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Aspergers Lucid Dreaming Mental Health Mind Philosophy TQFW Blog

#17 Lucid Dreaming To Solve Your Problems

This past month has been completely and utterly overwhelming. Both physically mentally and spiritually. Through therapy and lucid dreaming I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulder and at the age of 26, I have finally turned from a child to a man.

I had been repressing emotions, trauma and total confusion for all my life. I had always been searching for the missing piece which I had always known but always denied.

Through therapy and an almost bewilderingly perfect chain of events that I can only describe as destiny, I have been referred to a specialist center to start a 7 stage diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder / Asperger’s Syndrome. Whatever outcome I get from these sessions I will be happy to get some answers that I have always been searching for.

Autistic spectrum Syndrome
One way of representing the “spectrum” that we all fall upon.

All my life people have told me to stop searching, to stop probing, to just accept who I am -to accept that I am different. I love being different but living life without an identity is horrible.

Feeling like a stranger in your own country, amongst your own friends and then in every country you visit, is a horrible and lonely feeling. Not knowing yourself means that no one can really know you.

This depression has finally been lifted and bit by bit I have started to regain some of my childhood memories, which had been hidden in my subconscious for all this time.

Lucid Dreaming

When I was little, I used to lucid dream* all the time and I used to enter into my dreams all the time and control them and search for answers. I could go on little quests and adventures and find answers for things I didn’t understand.

*A lucid dream is a dream in which you realise you are dreaming and are able to control and manipulate your dreams. They can be amazing but can also be horrific lucid nightmares

This all stopped when I started drinking around the age of 11/12. For the next 15 years, these dreams only happened to me in the form of nightmares or sleep paralysis due to drug or alcohol withdrawal.

Now for the first time in 15 years, I have started to lucid dream again. I have been using these dreams to discover new things about myself, to ask questions, to find answers, and to search within my soul.

Lucid Dreams

4 pills – My First Lucid Dream

It was a game where people were given a bag of 4 pills:

  • One makes you super smart
  • One makes you super horny
  • One makes you super-efficient
  • And one makes you want to kill yourself

The game was only supposed to last 24 hours, but the pills never wore off.

Everyone was hunted by an army of people and their powers are almost magical they had visions.

Everyone ended up going crazy and then more and more pills start appearing and even though people see the devastating effects they can’t stop taking them

All the people in the dream ended up killing themselves through their actions

The world was chaos

As I started to analyse the dream as it was happening I realised that it was a manifestation of the world we live in. Everyone was fiendishly grabbing and taking things which they knew were killing them. Noone seemed to care about the consequences of their actions.

During the dream, I started lucidly recording my voice on my phone as I entered in and out of the madness and went on to give a speech about capitalism and its flaws.

I realized that greed is the root of all evil and capitalism is the root of all greed.

I will upload the full recording and transcript of it elsewhere.

Lucid Dream #2 – The Ceremony

The next lucid dream involved my family and all my friends and family members that I know. Everybody was taking some sort of substance that was opening their mind and each person was going through a journey of self-discovery. I was witnessing through each person’s eyes their journey of self-discovery in a sort of Ayahuasca-esque ceremony.

One by one I started to unravel and understand the problems of each person that I know and love. I felt anger, guilt, hurt, shame, happiness, sadness, regret – but most importantly forgiveness.

Self Forgiveness

This was my brains’ way of processing my journey of self-forgiveness and forgiving those to whom I have done damage. I am not sure how long this process lasted, I’m not sure what parts I was awake for what part I was asleep but I ended up with a nearly 20,000 words document detailing all of my problems in detail as well as those of every member of my family and the people I love.

I had released all my thoughts my worries my fears my reasoning and my logic onto paper and I had said all the things I needed to say.

There was no need for me to tell all these people the things that I had written, there was no need to cause pain to the people I love. Writing this was my way of releasing myself from my past.

Another day passed and then I had another lucid dream in which I saw my grandfather who died roughly 10 years ago.

Saying Goodbye and Moving On

I never got a chance to say goodbye to him as he died suddenly, and I don’t even remember his funeral. I was 16 and I have no memory of his funeral. I wasn’t even aware that this was eating me up inside but through this dream, I was able to give him a hug and say goodbye to him before watching him shrivel up and die.

I knew I was dreaming but my brain was giving me the opportunity to say goodbye once and for all. For someone who hasn’t dreamed properly for over half their life, this experience was incredibly profound.

#3 Writing Poetry in a Lucid Dream

In the next lucid dream, I saw a childhood friend who I haven’t seen for over 15 years. Whilst dreaming I wrote a poem and this friend spoke the poem out loud to me. I had my phone by my head and so I lucidly recorded my voice as I spoke the poem and in the dream, she recited it to me.

I then went on to record an 18-minute mantra which will be the mantra for the Quest for Wisdom. The philosophy behind which I will carry out all my actions. When I woke up, I was incredibly confused. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was not, I wasn’t sure if I was insane. I vaguely remembered recording some audios.

Lucid Dreaming or Going Crazy

I was scared as I went to listen to them. I didn’t know exactly what they were going to say. If it was a rambling bunch of non-sensical words I would have to believe that I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me. Luckily everything I had recorded was logical and made perfect sense to me. The poem I had created was in perfect rhyme and very profound.

I wasn’t sure whether to share this process or not with people. But it seems that at some stage in their life a lot of people must pass through this process of forgiveness and maturing from child to adult.

I have always known that age is irrelevant, but I realised that in order to mature from a teenager to an adult you must face all your problems head-on, accept them, work on them, apologise if necessary and then finally forgive yourself for your past.  

Everybody has regrets from the past, or feels shame for some of their actions. Some people wish they had tried harder in school, some people aren´t happy with their life and blame their pasts or their family.

I seem to be around a lot of people that are going through this process and it’s a confusing and horrible time. It makes you feel hopeless, lost and misunderstood.

Forgive Yourself for Your Past

You need to accept yourself for who and what you are, ask forgiveness for any damage you have done to yourself or others, and start to work through any personality traits you have which are damaging.

If you do not go through this process, then you will never grow up. You will remain childish and self-centered until the moment you decide to solve your personal issues.

I always had a fear of being part of the 27 club, but now I know that I am guilt-free and have a clear conscience there is no reason for this to ever happen.

I can now move on with my life, happy and content, and free from guilt and shame. The things that have always held me back.

People say you can´t change the world.

Well, I say WHY NOT?

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To read an article about Aphantasia and my inability to visualise mental images click here

Categories
Aspergers Bipolar Borderline Personality Disorder Communication Friendship Mental Health Mind Therapy TQFW Blog Treatment Wellness

Coming Out With Aspergers

Written on 03.03.20

All of my life people have told me I was different, I was
unique, that they felt like they knew me before having met me but this weekend
was the final piece to the missing puzzle which has been sending me wild for 26
years.

26 years and to the day to be exact. When I was younger, I read that a man reaches his optimum peak both mentally and physically at the age of 26 and so that’s what I decided to try and do.

I decided when I was about 10 that I would sort my life and problems, mess around having as much fun as possible, and then be married and with kids at 26 – but luckily this changed.

Everything that happens in my life is very specifically planned
– I want something and I obtain it, and to me there is nothing in-between. The
steps to get there are just simple steps to follow.

Emotional Development

I went to an emotional development group recently and we had to describe ourselves using the phrase “I feel like….” and mine was “I feel like a robot”. And it’s really how I feel and how I am happy feeling. I feel like a computer that is devoid of anything unlearned.

I completely lack empathy unless I have personally experienced the situation. I struggle to imagine how I would feel about something, and I struggle to imagine how my words and actions will make people feel – unless I use a process of logic or someone explains it to me.

This makes things easy to accomplish. I set a goal and I do what needs to be done to achieve that goal and its as simple as that. My life is robotically set between different stages of obsessions that I will DO at 100% until I learn everything I need to know about that skill or interest.

I LOVE LEARNING

Through putting myself in the most uncomfortable and weirdest situations possible all my life I have learned a great deal about human emotions and the incredible limits of the brain and will power, but I don’t feel or experience them in the same way as a “neurotypical” person – and I know that.

I understand that people feel emotions and that certain things affect them in certain ways, but unless there is logic involved then I am completely lost.

Aspergers Symptoms

Like a computer I run with numbers and logic and for this reason I have no filter and often end up hurting people’s feelings by saying things in a brutally honest way, but with the kindest intentions.

Why would someone not want to be told the honest truth about their flaws?

I beg my friends to tell me when I’m doing something wrong
because I simply don’t understand. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt
anyone that isn’t a bad person. I realised that people try and avoid the truth
sometimes because it is too painful to accept and so people would rather just
deny it.

Cutting Relationship Ties

Aspergers

I have cut a lot of relationship ties recently that cause me mental damage because I do not receive the same undying love and loyalty that I would give to anyone that I trust and respect.

But I have come to understand now that people aren’t perfect, and I have to stop loathing other people, and most importantly MYSELF, for imperfections. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes continuously.

There is nothing wrong with making a mistake and learning from it.

Feeling Betrayed

Sometimes people make mistakes, they betray people and then feel awful about it, but I had never been able to truly grasp this concept of betrayal. To me it is the most painful and sickening thing that someone can do. However, I came to realise that people don’t often realise that they are betraying someone in such a horrible way – and the damage they have caused.

My life is black and white you either do something or you don’t, you love someone or you don’t, you want something or you don’t, something is either on or off (0 or 1 in Binary Code). But not all people don’t work like that and people have been trying to explain this to me for years.

I tried to summarise this in a sentence that would make
sense to me and I came up with the sentence below which helped me to understand
what people meant.

Life is black and white, but the grey makes us human.

Through a close “spectrum” friend of mine – who I haven’t
actually known for very long but feel like 
I have known forever – I have learned through observing him that we
share all of the same strange behaviour traits. We operate in exactly the same
way.

We can communicate things to each other almost
telepathically that make absolutely no sense to anyone else. We portray what to
other people is perceived as extreme confidence and charisma but what is really
on the inside total fear and confusion.

Last month I was pre-diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and referred to the Aspergers unit at Vall D’Hebron in Barcelona for a 7 stage full evaluation which will cover the Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Depression, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder and various other disorders.

The Aspergers diagnosis to me is not important – and Borderline Personality Disorder is what has been mentioned to me, and the disorder with symptoms that I am increasingly experiencing as I mature. I spent my life hopping through period of extreme happiness and extreme depression (manic behaviour), as well as a whole host of other dangerous and toxic behaviours.

Every time something good happens to me I instantly sabotage it because I am addicted to being in pain. Its what feels most comfortable and natural to me.

Aspergers Diagnosis

Whilst the Aspergers diagnosis isnt important to me, what I care about is finding the right person to work with afterwards to help me develop emotionally and learn to communicate better.

Aspergers, Borderline Personality, Bipolar – whatever the label put on my personality disorder doesn´t concern me I just need help and a lot of it.

Now I understand why I spent my life happily living in my
own bubble drinking and drugging myself to the eyeballs unable to cope with a
world that was too intense and incomprehensible to me.

I understand a lot about so many weird and abstract things –
like how cultures intertwine and the subtleties of the grammar of foreign
languages – but the simplest and most obvious day to day things that are right
in front of my face don’t even exist.

What is obvious to some people is extremely complex to others and vice versa.

I also do not know how much of my lack of visual memory has to do with these disorders, or trauma or anything but I am excited to work through it and improve this aspect of my brain.

Read about my experiences with Aphantasia here

Coming Out With Aspergers

In bed checking myself out with my friends Stethoscope

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Categories
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Coronavirus – The Dawning Of A New Age

Coronavirus and The Dawning of a New Age

The Age of Aquarius represents the merging of spirituality and science. A time where religion and science can come together to create medical innovations and technology to help humanity.

I don´t know almost anything about Astrology but I thought it was an interesting quote regardless of whether you believe or not. (Bracha Goldsmith)

I wanted to divulge a new, somewhat more positive message and perspective, on the Coronavirus pandemic.

I have had this weird feeling inside of me that something was coming in April, that I HAD to wait until April before trying to launch my projects.

BUT WHY APRIL?

Everyone in my network of friends and peers everyone has been speaking of Destiny this year, that 2020 is THE year. The energy and the mindset of people around me seems to have changed from the miserable and hopeless outlook that I felt last year in 2019 – as the decade came to an end – to the more positive and spiritual mindset that people seem to have encompassed.

Since I arrived back from Brazil in August 2019, I had the idea that I would give myself 8 months – until APRIL – to explore myself, enjoy Barcelona, and most importantly decide what to do with my life.

AND WHY APRIL?

Tensions have been rising around the world with intercontinental cold-war threats, the refugee crisis that seems to be somewhat ignored, and general unhappiness. But at the same time, I see that all around me people are bubbling with creativity and energy and just waiting for something to explode.

After reading the bible as a kid, I decided that I didn’t believe in a god – at least not the god described in the bible or the other similar texts. I decided that a perfect god would not have made such an imperfect, illogical book filled with contradictions.

coronavirus and the dawning of a new age

I did then start to believe in humanity and the power of our subconsciousness and our instincts. The human subconsciousness and human animal instincts are by far the most underrated weapon in the global arsenal.

Throughout my life I have broken mostly every rule that I have been faced with. I have broken the law repeatedly; I have always tried to push the boundaries and test my mental and physical limits. This is because I have always followed my instincts and done what I think is the (morally) right thing to do. Every risk I have taken I have always analysed, accepted and sometimes suffered the consequences.

In my case these consequences have mainly been mental, and my mental health has taken a severe beating my whole life for my decisions but I stand by them – because I have good intentions.

The point I am trying to make here is that when we fight against our instincts we make errors. When we stick with something that we know deep down is wrong we suffer. Be this a relationship, a career, a hobby or anything else in life.

We are born with killer instincts and we must not ignore these.

We are born to survive.

The society or culture in which we grow up in can either help or numb and discourage these survival instincts.

Recently I was asked by a good friend if I thought that humans were still evolving… I had thought about this topic before and so I responded by saying that I believe that technology is evolving but humans are devolving……

Survival of the fittest no longer exists because the weak CAN survive due to advances in medicine. Illnesses CAN be cured, disabilities CAN be cured, lifespans CAN be extended.

This means that humanity is physically DEVOLVING. It is losing this natural killer instinct – the ability to survive.

HOWEVER

Modern medicine means that the most important part of any body – the brain – is often able to survive, and people can reproduce even in a “weak” body.  

So, humanity is left with rapidly increasing brainpower and less human skills. In the ultra-capitalist countries people are trained to be robots, slaves to the system, cogs in the wheel.

In the more relaxed liberal countries people develop with the desire to make a change but they lack the drive and necessity that capitalism chokes you with, but there is yet to be a balance between the two.

More and more of our natural humanistic traits are ebbed away as we become logicians and move one step closer to the new generation.

AND THIS IS WHERE APRIL COMES IN

April is when the world starts to implement the new 5g internet that has been long awaited.

Now I know this may not seem like a big deal because everybody is happy with the internet right?

WRONG

The new 5g internet is the dawning of the new age. Autonomous cars will take over, people will be able to not just video call but hologram call. Huge amounts of data will be able to be transferred worldwide almost instantly.

coronavirus and the dawning of a new age
Photo By Josh Hild

This paves the way for the new internet of things. Every new appliance will be connected to the internet and it will grow and grow at a terrifyingly quick rate. People will have to accept that technology is better than them and that they must humbly step aside as robots take their place.

We will all be connected to the cloud or the “internet” and we will all be nodes of this network. We will be able to operate hyper-efficiently because all exchange of information will be seamless.

It is very strange because I wrote some predictions in my journal about 9 months ago about this topic and the evolution of humans. I wrote that soon we would all be connected to a cloud or Oracle and we would become the internet of things.

I also predicted that there would be a separatist movement of anarchists who wanted to separate themselves from this total submission of our privacy and go “off the grid”.

If all this goes as planned then it does however mean that humans can go back to being humans, with human interactions, less stress, more efficiency and more importantly more TIME.

The Positive Side of Coronavirus

So this brings it back to the Coronavirus… the Coronavirus, whether man made or not (depending on who you believe), serves a purpose and does actually have some positive elements.

For starters a lot of people have time off work or school – or the ability to work from home. This gives people the chance to spend more time with family, time to earn some extra cash, time to start that tai-chi course they saw on Youtube and time to gather their thoughts before the boom that is going to happen once the virus is under control.

People are having to learn to socialise and re-connect with friends via new applications like House Party. There are brain training games and challenges flying around social media, causing people to start learning to pass the time with healthy and productive games.

the dawning of a new era
Find the 27 figures of speech

Take all the positives out of a very negative, stressful and worrying situation that you possibly can, and good things will come. Its going to be a weird few months as we battle the Coronavirus but 2020 is the year where science and spirituality aka the cultures / religions combine.

I think that everyone could sense that something big was coming – WELL THIS IS IT

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To read a guest article about Coronavirus in the UK click here

To read another article based on society check out my article on Political Correctness Gone Mad