#14 Living In The Present With ADHD

So it’s a new year, a new decade, and a new chance to rectify previous mistakes or do things better. One of my goals this year is to practise living in the present with ADHD and battling to learn to relax and control the never ending stream of information that plagues my mind.

Interestingly, I find that the more time I spend being creative, the more troubled I am with negative thoughts, anxiety, and depression. LIke everything, I think it just requires a bit of patience and some hard-work in the meditation department.

I always think it is a shame that our years start in January, which for the Northern Hemisphere is one of the coldest, darkest and most miserable months but maybe it´s too late to have the changing of the calendar debated in Parliament.

With each new year comes the glimmer of hope for a better year, (even those who had an amazing 2019 want more), but also more pressure to perform, to improve, to seize opportunities, and most importantly – more Fear of Failure.

Yes its just another day and another year but I like to categorise my behaviour and my mistakes and would like to leave 2019 as 2019 and try to carry through only the positive aspects of my life.

Cliché yes, but if being cliché is a crime then lock me up and throw away the key.

More importantly, I simply do not like odd numbers unless they are a multiple of 5 or a cube number, so even writing 2019 annoys me. 2020 is a very pleasing number so already I feel better about it!

Positive New Year

I entered this year feeling very positive. I have moved flats to a new less toxic environment, I have new flatmates, new opportunities, and new projects nearly ready to release, yet the burden and fear of really exerting myself and opening myself up to the potential defeat of a failed project is constantly playing on my mind.

Logically speaking I welcome failure. I know that it makes us stronger, that we learn from it, that it’s a part of life and growth but then intrinsically it TERRIFIES me.

fear of failure
The first ever happy poem I have written (click to head to my Instagram and see some others)

ADHD and The Inability To Complete Tasks

One of the classic symptoms/traits of ADHD is to have multiple projects or ideas in progress but the complete and utterly soul-destroying inability to complete anything.

This, of course, is not something that is limited just to people with ADHD but is common amongst young people in general. This led me to start thinking about WHY this is because I am DETERMINED to destroy this trait/behaviour.

The Unholy Trinity

I came up with the unholy trinity governing my unfinished projects:

  1. Fear of Failure
  2. Neophilia (The obsession with novelty / new experiences)
  3. Lack of concentration

In this post I am going to talk a little bit more about Neophilia and the obsession with new experiences and then in future posts I will go more into depth into the other contributors of the unholy trinity.

Click here to read my introduction post about Neophilia and the Fear of Failure

The Addiction To New Things

Now, I am not sure to what levels, “normal”, (I have actually learned from Instagram that the PC word for normal people is Neurotypical), people experience Neophilia, or how much it has to do with ADHD or my personality, but for me it is a massive factor in my life.

I try my hand at everything that I possibly can, go to every event that I get a chance to, travel as often as possible, always in search of something. Some new experience that is going to change me and cause me to stick with it. Something, anything, that stimulates me continuously and makes me happy.

Sadly this never happens and I am left unfulfilled and looking for the next, “fix”, in life. This really gets me down as I feel like I can almost never live in the present and enjoy things for what they are.

Once the novelty inevitably wears off then I am done, and my concentration and ability to focus goes from 100 to 0 quicker than a fart in the wind. I forget about what I have done and move onto something else.

Filling the Void

This future thinking attitude is reminiscent of my times sniffing Mephedrone / smoking weed and even drinking alcohol constantly. An addict is never satisfied with their hit and is always thinking of the next one like THAT will be the one that really sorts them out. In the mind of an addict, living in the present does not exist.

I never learned to be satisfied with what I have and am always thinking of what will be next. It feels like I am constantly trying to, “complete”, everything and push it as far as it will go, and this reckless behaviour is damaging.

I don’t want to continue with this toxic behaviour and constantly be on the search for something to fill the void. All of my life I have tried to solve my problems with a hit, a fix, of whatever is available, be that drugs, alcohol, sport, or new experiences.

Nothing is particularly fun when you aren’t fully happy with yourself and you are trying to fill an emptiness inside yourself.

I am on a Quest to find inner happiness and contention so that one day I can hopefully relax and be at peace. To be able to relax for a moment and just be happy with what I have, and what I am surrounded with is the ultimate goal, but it seems infinitely far away right now. Living in the present with ADHD is an ongoing struggle.

Living In The Present With ADHD – Mindfulness / Meditation

living in the present with adhd
Meditating in a Cave (no I haven´t joined a cult)

Learning – or should I say practising – living in the present is one of my ultimate goals this year and will probably be my toughest challenge.

This year I will be exploring the limits of the brain through various different intense types of Meditation and Yoga. Recently, I learned about many different, (somewhat crazy), techniques on a mountain hike and cave meditation day trip.

I dont want to reveal too much about this yet, but I will of course keep everyone up to date with what I experience.

I have started doing 10 minute meditation/mindfulness sessions each day on an App called Petit Bambou, (click here for Petit Bambou Android and Petit Bambou IOS), I feel like I am making some progress.

But AGAIN I am thinking of it like progress, like something that can be completed! You cannot complete meditation Conor!

I often find myself trying to guess how much longer is left in the session because its borderline painful trying to concentrate. However, after some sessions I have really felt a clarity and peacefulness that I have never had without taking drugs.

Like everything, I imagine that living in the present with ADHD will get easier and more natural with practice, and so I am hopeful that as I improve and become more comfortable doing this, I will be able to reap the benefits.

If anyone could recommend any other Apps, Youtube Channels, or anything that they think is useful I would be really grateful!

Get In Contact With Me!

I love to hear feedback from people about what they have taken from my writing, and I love answering questions. We are not alone in this!

My aim through my work is to talk about my problems in a way that resonates with people, to help people realise that they are not alone, and that other people experience the same issues.

Please get in contact via any of the methods below or chat to me on Instagram, I will always reply and no question is ever stupid or embarrassing!

Any advice, suggestions, criticisms, ideas etc. are always welcome. I encourage criticism as it forces me to better myself and adapt my new content.

You can contact me Via:



The Quest For Wisdom Youtube Channel


Or by leaving a comment on here.

Support My Work!

This blog and other related projects such as the upcoming Podcast and Youtube Channel are now my full time job and they require a lot of time and money.

If you like my content and would like to help me to keep creating more then I would be so grateful for any donations through my Patreon account

Reciting some poetry and part of my children´s book Mr and Mrs Wobbly

#11 Chaotic Communication and Repressed Relationships

This past week since my journey to Berlin has been yet again the most revolutionary, difficult, and inspiring week of my life. Crazy I know, that things have just continued to spiral – first downwards to rock bottom – and then they bounced right back with some serious vigour.

I began to address the toxic relationships in my life and focus on all the things that were holding me back, in order to begin to heal and move forward.

However, I was in a very manic state of mind and I did this in the most impulsive, irrational and insensitive way possible. I was completely blind to how my actions would affect people and I was selfish and unfair. The things that I said to people, I all still believe to be true, but my delivery of this information – in every case – was terrible.

Continue reading “#11 Chaotic Communication and Repressed Relationships”

Arriving in Rio de Janeiro

Arriving in Rio De Janeiro (Brazil), I was excited, nervous, overwhelmed, and basically an amalgamation of all the emotions I had ever experienced. I felt like a child in a candy store but also like a tiny little fish in a sea of sharks.

I found it hilarious thinking back to all the times I had seen people with GoPros strapped to themselves and thinking, “what a weirdo”, NOW I AM THAT WEIRDO!

arriving in rio de janeiro
Sugar Loaf Mountain in Rio De Janeiro
Click the photo to check out my Instagram Page @TheQuestForWisdom

Door to door the journey was about 21 hours, which to be honest I have no complaints about. I slept for about 2 hours before getting up at 4am and strapping the GoPro to myself, so I was bleary eyed and running on fumes. I found it hilarious thinking back to all the times I had seen people with GoPros strapped to themselves and thinking, “what a dickhead”, NOW I AM THAT DICKHEAD!

On the Plane I was next to a nice lady from Florianópolis (Brazil), who was finishing her Doctorate in Portuguese! This was the perfect person to chat to to practise my Portuguese before landing.

Teaching Myself Portuguese

Up until then I had been teaching myself Portuguese using Youtube videos, listening to Podcasts and chatting to people using Tandem which is an amazing app, which links you with people who want to learn one of the languages you speak, and the languages you want to learn.

It is not location based and so I had spent about 5 months writing to people from Brazil – but only ever met and spoke in person with one person who happened to come on Holiday to Barcelona, (for anyone wanting to learn or practise a language I highly recommend Getting Tandem , (more on that in a future post).

Anyway, she had been doing research for her Doctorate in Guinea Bissau, which is a Portuguese speaking country in West Africa. I was asking her about her time there and what she learned.

She explained how amazing it was to be in a different country, in a different continent, where everyone had a different skin colour, yet the culture was so similar and made her feel so welcome.

Brazillian Culture

Brazillian culture has a lot of influence from West Africa due to the slave trade but she said it was amazing that she felt like there was no hostility, or negative feeling because of this.

It got me thinking about The cultural similarities of the UK and other english speaking countries. The UK + Ireland basically just share the love of drinking – along with Australia. With Americans I think we share very little culturally, and personally I often find it extremely difficult to communicate with them.

The Canadians that I have come across have all been much more grounded and I think we understand each other a little bit more – of course that is thanks to Her Majesty The Queen (joke). South Africa I dont know so much about, but it fascinates me and will be a future quest.

It also made me think of all of the countries that the British Empire colonised, exploited, enforced our way of thinking, and then abandoned when we had bled them dry.

It made me angry thinking of Brexit and my opinion that the “Majority” vote was won on the whole because of racism, xenophobia and the dislike of other cultures,”destroying our wonderful British culture”. WE SHOULD BE WELCOMING CULTURAL CHANGE AND DIVERSITY.


Arriving in Rio De Janeiro

When we arrived above Rio de Janeiro in the plane there was an announcement saying that we couldn´t land due to bad weather, they told us we were diverting to Belo Horizonte.

I remembered that BH was about 5 hours from Rio in a bus and it made me start grasping the sheer enormity of Brasil. Its like trying to land in London but being unable to, and so flying to Newcastle to land for a bit and then nip back.

Luckily it only delayed us for a a few hours and didn´t bother me at all. The poor lady next to me was nearly having a panic attac as she had no way to contact her family and let them know she was safe, but delayed. Eventually someone gave her a phone she could use and this was sorted.

Immigration in Brazil

Waiting in the queue for Immigration I was preparing a speech for when I was questioned on my intentions in the country, (I didnt have a return flight or an outward flight), which is supposed to be one of the requirements for being granted the tourist visa.

I had quickly booked a hostel in Argentina and so was going to say that I was planning to go to Foz do Iguacu where there are waterfalls which border Argentina and Paraguay, (I do plan on going here at some point). After you leave Brasil you can then return again and stay another 3 months, (up to a total of 6 months per year).

Foz Do Iguazu
Check Out My Instagram Page for more photos @TheQuestForWisdom
Click on the photo to see a little compilation video that I made in the waterfalls

However, much to my disappointment, they stamped my passport without saying a word! This made me think how insanely lucky I am to have a British passport and just go basically wherever I want with almost no questions asked.

Living in Barcelona and constantly meeting people from non European countries has made me realise how much we take for granted – before going to Russia last year I had never had to apply for a Visa to go on holiday anywhere!

This is not a luxury that people from other countries have. People are forced to live in fear and, “break the law”, just to try and make a better life for themself as an “illegal immigrant”. People dont usually flee their country or leaves their loved ones to go and leach off another country – they do it out of necessity.

Click here to listen to my poem titled the Little Boy From Syria about a refugee that flees his country.

Foz Do Iguacu Brazil
The Borders between Paraguy, Argentina, and Brazil where Foz Do Iguacu is located

When I arrived in Rio de Janeiro finally I was buzzing. Went straight to a taxi, agreed with his 100R$ (25€) fee with no question and had a nice chat with him on the way.

The rain in Rio had caused some savage flooding and so there was cars trying to drive through what basically looked like lakes on the road. My taxi driver did some pro driving and got us around this.

When I arrived at my one night temporary hostel it was an absolute dive – basically a squat – no lockers and very poor amenities. I was sooo happy that I had booked a week in a nice hostel months ago, before I had my flight, (as it is carnaval everywhere was either fully booked or about 400 million euros a night.

My first day in Rio I moved to the new nice hostel, met some nice people, got my bearings and joined in with some dancing and parades. I didn´t want to wear my GoPro on the first day until I had a sense of if this would make me a walking target. I quickly saw that everyone was instagramming and snapchatting non stop and could see the people that were going to quickly have their phones stolen.

The best thing about Rio so far is being able to walk around semi naked, (and fit in), WITHOUT looking like a Brit Abroad! For a sweaty man like me this is heaven.

Living in Barcelona you quickly adapt to a permanent state of extreme caution for your personal belongings. I wouldn´t even call it paranoia as the level of theft there is absolutely mind blowing.

I am trying to get my head around how to use this GoPro software and it is driving me insane. I am trying to make a montage video of my journey from door to door as I filmed most of it – and its quite funny looking through the videos and different stages.

I apologise in advance for what will be a very amateur video! I wanted to write this post now before the main day of Carnaval -which is today!- just to keep you all updated.

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Any questions, comments, complaints, advice are all welcome so fire away!!!

If you would like to ask me anything the best way to do this is via message on the Facebook page or Instagram – or via message on my personal Facebook if you know me. You can also comment on the post or send me an email.








Support My Work!

This blog and other related projects such as the upcoming Podcast and Youtube Channel are now my full time job and they require a lot of time and money.

If you like my content and would like to help me to keep creating more then I would be so grateful for any donations through my Patreon account

To read about my experience in the Amazon Rainforest click here

#1 The Start of The Quest

I would like to start by introducing myself and my reasons for starting this blog about my struggles with Addiction, ADHD & Strattera, and the problems that myself and other young people face whilst growing up in this crazy world.

Throughout my life I have met countless people who have asked me to keep a record of my life and my experiences, and very recently I made the decision to start writing a journal and saving memories, so that I can write memoirs which may inspire/entertain or shock some people.

I was born as a “gifted and talented” child, and at age 5 I was diagnosed with ADHD, which was untreated and un-managed, due to the fear of medication, until September 2017. Because of this, my childhood was utter chaos and like roughly 75% of people with ADHD I was instantly addicted to everything I ever came across.

The first time I got drunk was in October of year 7, (age 11), when I drank a bottle of Sambuca until I was blackout drunk. From this moment I was addicted to alcohol. Having a high IQ meant that I had to expend no effort in order to breeze through school achieving everything I needed to achieve, without ever having to apply myself to anything.

This gave me time to use my curiosity to explore everything I could think of, and experiment with as many drugs as I could get hold of. I quickly became obsessed with weed and lost a couple of years to numbing and destroying my brain with skunk, until I realised I had to stop as it was ruining my personality and killing my motivation.

I also got heavily addicted to Mephedrone, the legal high that swamped the UK during 2009/2010. I used this powerful stimulant most days for about 5 solid months and lost most of my friends, abandoned my family and tried to emancipate, and also lost 25kg of body weight which left me looking like a skeleton. I managed to kick this addiction due to a forced trip to Ireland where I could not get hold of the drug. Stopping Mephedrone caused me to leach back on to alcohol to try and calm my brain down.

adhd addiction

This pattern of binge drinking and passing out continued as often as possible, and more and more frequently as I got older.

When I was 18 I was at a music festival I drank myself to death.

I drank all day every day for 3 or 4 days in a row and then on the final night I drank between one or two litres of Vodka in a short space of time. I remember feeling weaker and I remember my body shutting down. I remember collapsing to the floor.

My friends were used to seeing this and so they didn´t think anything of it at first but after a while they told me they thought something was different.

They went to get medical help and I was taken to a field hospital where they were told my heart was stopped. They tried three times to revive me and eventually they succeeded.

When I woke up I felt like I had lost my soul. I did not know where I was, who I was, or even my name. I was told I needed to be transported to hospital to have a more thorough examination. Upon hearing this I panicked and pulled all the needles out of my arms and ran out of the tent.

I was in a delusional state and the only thing I could think of was to get more alcohol in order to calm myself down. I found a bottle of vodka and necked this. This put me into a psychotic hallucinatory state and the 8 hour journey home I have no recollection of. The next 4 days I suffered from ego death, lost my purpose in life, lost what felt like part of my soul and it was horrible.

4 days was all it took for me to return back to drinking and this then carried on for another 5 years. I reached a stage at the end of my relationship with my ex-partner “S”, where I was on a downward spiral towards death again. I was crying out for help in the only way I knew how which was by drinking to oblivion morning to night for days and weeks on end. One day I woke up face first on the floor in my old flat with no idea how I had arrived there.

Before even becoming conscious and aware I got up walked to the fridge and drank a bottle of wine and 3 beers within the space of about a minute. I then realised that I had done this without even thinking and was so angry and ashamed at myself that I broke down in tears. S saw me that morning and said the words that gave me the motivation I needed to seek help. “I will not watch you kill yourself, if you carry on like this I cannot be around you”, “I will not watch you die”.

Adhd addict

Those words gave me the courage to go to the doctors and ask for help. I was instantly referred to a specialist where they quickly recognised that I needed to be treated for ADHD (with Strattera). I went cold turkey that day and decided I would stop drinking for the time being. The following few months of sobriety were scary but fantastic.

Click here to read my article about Starting Treatment for ADHD with Strattera (Atomoxetine)

I started to spend some time alone – for the first time ever and started to occupy my brain with different challenges like learning to read Arabic. I also started to explore Barcelona, and although I had already lived in the city for over 2 years it felt like a new city entirely. I had spent every possible moment -when not working or recovering- drunk out of my brain and so I had never taken note of anything.

Along with therapy I started to take medication for ADHD (Strattera) which really was the turning point in my life. It was a slow process but I started to be able to sleep more than an hour or 2, I stopped hearing every single sound, every single conversation and through training I learned to be able to concentrate on a conversation and appear interested – even though my mind was usually elsewhere. I can honestly say that Strattera changed my life.

Throughout the next year I used my time to really explore myself intimately and get to know the reasons for why I am the way I am. I also started to get to know my friends beyond the surface and also re-connect with old friends who had been unable to properly connect with me due to me being wasted all the time.

I have very few memories of my life up until I stopped drinking and I find it incredibly difficult to pinpoint specific parts. I spend a lot of time trying to trace back through the years and re-discover memories. This is part of my reasons for starting a blog/journal as I think that I have done permanent damage to my memory, and I am keen to record it so that I will be able to follow it back once I am older.

My decision to go to Brasil was one I plucked out of thin air, and at the time I didnt know why I had decided to go. I now realise that it is a sort of pilgrimage of self discovery. I am obsessed with languages and so have been learning Portuguese for about 4 months. Apart from this I need time alone to explore my brain and gain new skills, without having any distractions.

In my life I have a lot of people that rely on me for support, and so I spend all of my time trying to sort other peoples´ problems out instead of focusing on myself and what I want. In Brasil I want to study Capoeira, Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, Samba, Language classes and also spend some time in the Amazon – where I want to learn how to survive in the jungle. I will also be going on an Ayuhuasca trip.

I know this has been a long intro but really it is only scratching at the surface! If you have any questions I would love to answer them. Don´t be shy to ask anything – I will always answer honestly and I welcome any challenges! I want to be challenged. Challenged to do things, challenged on the points I make, challenged to find out more information about a topic that interests you.

I truly believe that as a society we need to challenge each other more and not just accept things at face value.We need to stop thinking that our dreams are unreachable and that “I” could not possibly do that. We are all capable of making an impact and leaving a legacy, and this is what I hope my blog will help people to realise. I would love it if you could share this page as much as possible and spread it via word of mouth so that I can reach as many people as possible.

To read about my experience with ADHD and Strattera click here

If you would like to ask me anything the best way to do this is via message on the Facebook page or Instagram – or via message on my personal Facebook if you know me. You can also comment on the post or send me an email.








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