#18 Coming out with Aspergers

Coming Out With Aspergers

Written on 03.03.20

All of my life people have told me I was different, I was
unique, that they felt like they knew me before having met me but this weekend
was the final piece to the missing puzzle which has been sending me wild for 26
years.

26 years and to the day to be exact. When I was younger, I read that a man reaches his optimum peak both mentally and physically at the age of 26 and so that’s what I decided to try and do.

I decided when I was about 10 that I would sort my life and problems, mess around having as much fun as possible, and then be married and with kids at 26 – but luckily this changed.

Everything that happens in my life is very specifically planned
– I want something and I obtain it, and to me there is nothing in-between. The
steps to get there are just simple steps to follow.

Emotional Development

I went to an emotional development group recently and we had to describe ourselves using the phrase “I feel like….” and mine was “I feel like a robot”. And it’s really how I feel and how I am happy feeling. I feel like a computer that is devoid of anything unlearned.

I completely lack empathy unless I have personally experienced the situation. I struggle to imagine how I would feel about something, and I struggle to imagine how my words and actions will make people feel – unless I use a process of logic or someone explains it to me.

This makes things easy to accomplish. I set a goal and I do what needs to be done to achieve that goal and its as simple as that. My life is robotically set between different stages of obsessions that I will DO at 100% until I learn everything I need to know about that skill or interest.

I LOVE LEARNING

Through putting myself in the most uncomfortable and weirdest situations possible all my life I have learned a great deal about human emotions and the incredible limits of the brain and will power, but I don’t feel or experience them in the same way as a “neurotypical” person – and I know that.

I understand that people feel emotions and that certain things affect them in certain ways, but unless there is logic involved then I am completely lost.

Aspergers Symptoms

Like a computer I run with numbers and logic and for this reason I have no filter and often end up hurting people’s feelings by saying things in a brutally honest way, but with the kindest intentions.

Why would someone not want to be told the honest truth about their flaws?

I beg my friends to tell me when I’m doing something wrong
because I simply don’t understand. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt
anyone that isn’t a bad person. I realised that people try and avoid the truth
sometimes because it is too painful to accept and so people would rather just
deny it.

Cutting Relationship Ties

Aspergers

I have cut a lot of relationship ties recently that cause me mental damage because I do not receive the same undying love and loyalty that I would give to anyone that I trust and respect.

But I have come to understand now that people aren’t perfect, and I have to stop loathing other people, and most importantly MYSELF, for imperfections. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes continuously.

There is nothing wrong with making a mistake and learning from it.

Feeling Betrayed

Sometimes people make mistakes, they betray people and then feel awful about it, but I had never been able to truly grasp this concept of betrayal. To me it is the most painful and sickening thing that someone can do. However, I came to realise that people don’t often realise that they are betraying someone in such a horrible way – and the damage they have caused.

My life is black and white you either do something or you don’t, you love someone or you don’t, you want something or you don’t, something is either on or off (0 or 1 in Binary Code). But not all people don’t work like that and people have been trying to explain this to me for years.

I tried to summarise this in a sentence that would make
sense to me and I came up with the sentence below which helped me to understand
what people meant.

Life is black and white, but the grey makes us human.

Through a close “spectrum” friend of mine – who I haven’t
actually known for very long but feel like 
I have known forever – I have learned through observing him that we
share all of the same strange behaviour traits. We operate in exactly the same
way.

We can communicate things to each other almost
telepathically that make absolutely no sense to anyone else. We portray what to
other people is perceived as extreme confidence and charisma but what is really
on the inside total fear and confusion.

Last month I was pre-diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and referred to the Aspergers unit at Vall D’Hebron in Barcelona for a 7 stage full evaluation which will cover the Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Depression, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder and various other disorders.

The Aspergers diagnosis to me is not important – and Borderline Personality Disorder is what has been mentioned to me, and the disorder with symptoms that I am increasingly experiencing as I mature. I spent my life hopping through period of extreme happiness and extreme depression (manic behaviour), as well as a whole host of other dangerous and toxic behaviours.

Every time something good happens to me I instantly sabotage it because I am addicted to being in pain. Its what feels most comfortable and natural to me.

Aspergers Diagnosis

Whilst the Aspergers diagnosis isnt important to me, what I care about is finding the right person to work with afterwards to help me develop emotionally and learn to communicate better.

Aspergers, Borderline Personality, Bipolar – whatever the label put on my personality disorder doesn´t concern me I just need help and a lot of it.

Now I understand why I spent my life happily living in my
own bubble drinking and drugging myself to the eyeballs unable to cope with a
world that was too intense and incomprehensible to me.

I understand a lot about so many weird and abstract things –
like how cultures intertwine and the subtleties of the grammar of foreign
languages – but the simplest and most obvious day to day things that are right
in front of my face don’t even exist.

What is obvious to some people is extremely complex to others and vice versa.

I also do not know how much of my lack of visual memory has to do with these disorders, or trauma or anything but I am excited to work through it and improve this aspect of my brain.

Read about my experiences with Aphantasia here

Coming Out With Aspergers

In bed checking myself out with my friends Stethoscope

Get In Contact!

Become a sponsor via Patreon

You can contact me Via:

Facebook

Instagram

LinkedIn

Twitter

The Quest For Wisdom Youtube Channel

Conor@thequestforwisdom.com

Or by leaving a comment on here.

#12 My Strattera Experience – Dont Mess With ADHD Meds!

I am writing this post from Brussels, Belgium where I have come to see a friend who I met in Brazil. The post discusses my my wild experience with Strattera as I came off and then rapidly back on the drug, (highly unrecommended).

After an extremely turbulent 3 months I finally feel like myself again. Or should I say the V2.1 of me since I started medication for ADHD and my experience with Strattera (Atomoxetine).

It was one of my stupidest ideas to date to, “accidentally”, not sort out my medication before I went to Brazil and have to, “figure something out”, for my last 2 weeks there. My life and my mental health were the best they had ever been, I felt completely in control of my actions, and I felt at relative peace.

Why oh why then did my irritatingly morbid curiosity decide to mess with this? I remember saying to some friends that I met in Sao Paulo that when I went back to Barcelona I would be mental for a while. I knew deep down what this would do to me, yet decided to do it anyway – just as some sort of brain experiment?

Here is my Strattera Experience….

Continue reading “#12 My Strattera Experience – Dont Mess With ADHD Meds!”

#8 A New Addiction To Natural Highs

Words cannot describe the journey I have been on this weekend. I went from a state of complete and utter turmoil and chaos to flipping everything into the most positive experience of my entire life. What I have learned from the incredibly successful, intelligent and driven people that I spent time with is that literally the only motivation in life should be from happiness and searching for those natural highs.

Since my last post life has been absolute chaos, danger, destruction, and impulsivity due to my medication having not yet taken full effect again. I have had to ride this rollercoaster and just deal with each day becoming easier and easier. I have never felt so bad and so overwhelmed in my life.

Continue reading “#8 A New Addiction To Natural Highs”

#6 Strattera Changed my Life

This article will go more into depth about the process of starting treatment for ADHD with Strattera (Atomoxetine) which I mentioned in my article about seeking help for Alcohol Addiction. and will explain how Strattera changed my life.

It explains the whole process of getting treated and what I experienced along the way, in a way which I hope is easy understand.

I am happy to say that this article concludes the introductory “autobiographical” story and brings everything up to the current date with where I am now, both physically and mentally.


From now on I will be able to focus more on what I am learning from my travels and experiences and writing about different things that I pick up along the way and hopefully starting a video log and potentially making a mini documentary in the Amazon.

Continue reading “#6 Strattera Changed my Life”

#5 Why Is Everyone Drinking and Sniffing Cocaine To Solve Their Problems?

This article will focus on problem drinking (drinking to solve problems), and why we do this. I will try and use my experiences and the experiences of people that I have met – that have opened up to me – in order to write in a way that will hopefully be able to touch some people. The article will focus on drinking to solve problems but also mention the problem use of Cocaine – as often these go hand in hand.

I really want to make clear that I am not Anti-Alcohol or Anti-Drugs at all, for people that can use them with moderation, and are in control, they are a wonderful pleasure and very enjoyable. I just want to help people that feel they HAVE to use substances to hide from things, and that cannot control their use. 

Continue reading “#5 Why Is Everyone Drinking and Sniffing Cocaine To Solve Their Problems?”

#4 If You Think You Might Have ADHD – You Probably Do

This is a brief overview of life before I started treatment for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I am sure that parts will resonate with some people – as I meet/know so many people that I see all the characteristics of ADHD, which is either channelled into addiction, or holding them back from pursuing an aspect of their life/life in general.

I have so much more that I need to write about regarding this topic, but I needed to keep the first post fairly short just to build up the backstory and share some information.

Continue reading “#4 If You Think You Might Have ADHD – You Probably Do”

#3 Using Naltrexone to Quit Drinking Alcohol

Naltrexone is an opiate blocker that is used in the treatment of alcohol and opiate dependence. Using Naltrexone helps you quit drinking alcohol because, (in simple terms), is used to block the pleasure signals back to the brain and cut the, “reward system”. Interestingly, alcohol and opiates work in similar ways in the brain.

If you haven’t already read the original post about conquering alcohol addiction then click here


Using Naltrexone to Quit Drinking Alcohol

When the specialist first explained it to me I was very sceptical about the efficacy of the drug -and so I did not want to try it at first. I had heard of the “Anti-abuse” drugs which made people vomit and feel extremely sick if they drank whilst taking the drug – however the Doctor explained to me that these are rarely ever used anymore as they simply dont work.

People just stop taking the drug instead of stopping drinking.

Taking Naltrexone For the First Time

You are supposed to take the drug each day to block the craving signals which go to your brain, however, as I had gone cold turkey I hadn’t used it.

When I went for a long weekend in Ireland I thought it would be the perfect place to try it out. I started taking it 2 days before I arrived so that my body could get used to it.

It is difficult to describe how it makes you feel. I wouldn’t necessarily say it makes you feel sick, but it makes you feel a bit unpleasant, (I guess if my body was used to it then these unpleasant feelings would go away).

First Experience With Naltrexone

I cautiously drank my first beer, (beer not being something I used to often drink – just neat vodka or wine),and waited. I decided I was going to try and drink at the pace of everyone else -and that by doing that I wouldn’t end up getting wasted.

A few beers in and I realised I wasn’t feeling any effects from the alcohol, and it was actually unpleasant drinking.

I carried on drinking all night without feeling almost any effects. I could feel my body being drunk and more, “sloppy”, but I had none of the false euphoria and energy that alcohol gives you.

I also noticed that every so often I would really crave neat vodka, but that the thought would literally disappear, and I would start thinking about something else. This continued in a sort of cycle every 10 or 15 minutes.

From the airport I had brought with me a bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum and a bottle of gin – as a present for my friend whos house I was staying at / a present for myself.

No Desire To Drink

At the end of the night I was sat in his living room with the alcohol in front of me and it actually disgusted me to look at it.

Usually if I had a bottle of vodka sat in front of me it would be gone within about half an hour. I forced myself to take a swig of it and it I hated it.

I was getting none of the pleasure or kick that I would usually get from doing this. As the night continued I started to notice myself starting to feel hungover, even though I continued drinking.

When I woke up in the morning, instead of starting to drink again straight away which I would usually do – (I often used to leave a bottle of wine next to my bed so that I would have to even get out of bed to start drinking) – the thought of drinking again actually disgusted me.

I took the Naltrexone again and did the same thing again that night – not out of desire but out of curiosity and to put it to the test.

Strattera
40mg Strattera

Further Experiments With Naltrexone

I used Naltrexone on another 5 or 6 occasions when on holiday and it was always the same story. I wouldn´t feel any, “drunkness”, or any real positive effects from the alcohol, just notice the bad effects.

I realised how much I HATE alcohol – I think the taste is disgusting. Originally I thought to myself that maybe one day I would be able to learn to drink responsibly, but then I thought….

WHAT IS THE POINT?

Why force yourself to start liking something that causes nothing but damage to your body and brain? Why try and “drink responsibly” ie spend my time craving more and not enjoying the moment?

Using Naltrexone to stop drinking alcohol made me realise that there really are very few positives to drinking alcohol and that for the high it gives you it 100% is not worth the negative effects.

Staying Sober

I have not experienced being “drunk” since September 26th 2017, (when I decided to quit), and have not drunk any alcohol at all since mid-June 2018.

Knowing that I dislike the taste of alcohol – and realising that it has nothing positive to offer me, I am fairly positive that I will not return to drinking. If I were to drink again in the future it would be as a test of my self-will – but then this is something I am not sure is even worth it.

Helping People Who are Struggling To Quit Drinking Alcohol

I had never heard of Naltrexone before and didn’t even know drugs like this existed. I want to try and spread the word, so that people realise there are things that can be prescribed that can help people.

Alcoholics/drug addicts often feel lost and hopeless and like no-one understands them but there is a wealth of knowledge and help out there. You just have to be brave and seek it out.

Using Naltrexone to quit drinking alcohol really changed my life for the good.

To read the partner post to this, about quitting drinking alcohol please click this link

To see more posts about Alcohol Addiction please click here

Support My Work!

Become a Patreon

This blog and other related projects such as the upcoming Podcast and Youtube Channel are now my full time job and they require a lot of time and money.

If you like my content and would like to help me to keep creating more then I would be so grateful for any donations through my Patreon account

Please share this post on your social media sites

As always, I urge you to please share this post on your social media sites so that it can reach as many people as possible and people can see that there is help available for them.

Comments, criticisms, questions and suggestions are requested as always!!

If you would like to ask me anything the best way to do this is via message on the Facebook page – or via message on my personal Facebook if you know me. You can also comment on the post or send me an email. I WILL REPLY

Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

Email

Pinterest

#2. Getting Treatment for Alcohol Addiction

This post is a brief overview of the steps involved in admitting you are an alcoholic, seeking help and treatment for alcohol addiction, and the path to recovery.

It was very difficult to write this as I started writing, and was going off on so many tangents it was basically turning into a dissertation.

I have covered all the points I think I need to cover and I will go further into detail in future posts. I recommend clicking the link during the post to read my experience with Naltrexone as well as the 2 posts go hand in hand.

Continue reading “#2. Getting Treatment for Alcohol Addiction”

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑