Categories
Depression Education Mental Health Mind Obsession Treatment Wellness

Letting Go of Control


“We are the creators of our own reality” is phrase that appears more and more as people turn to various esoteric and more widely known spiritual practices in order to let go of control and free the mind.

Practices such as meditation, mindfulness and manifestation, once reserved only for those who had the time, money and will to travel to the far East and learn from a master, have now hit the west with a bang and people are turning to these wonderful practices to try and connect with themselves and solve their issues with power of the mind.

The need to launch ourselves head first into these practices often stems from mental health problems and the desire to take control of our brains. The problem is that we are so used to trying to control every aspect of our lives that quite often we miss the point of these exercises – to let go of control.

Many of us try to traverse our way through life at the helm of a steam barge with very little stopping power or manoeuvrability.

We try to control our jobs, our relationships, our free time – worrying about what we are doing and sabotaging good things that come to us. We try to force ourselves to live in a certain way, thinking, dressing, talking like others to try and maintain this sense of identity and belonging.

Many people feel trapped. Trapped in a location they are bored of, trapped in a job they don’t like or trapped in a relationship that is failing to make them feel free. It is this false sense of being trapped by external circumstances that cause so many people to exhibit the aptly named escapist behaviours.

Escapist Behaviours

Escapist behaviours are often used to distract from painful thoughts and emotions in life, and are often exhibited by people suffering with anxiety, depression and or low self esteem. Escapism can also be a method of blocking out or distracting from painful experiences or current traumas.

Examples of toxic escapist behaviours include:

  • Over/under eating
  • Extreme promiscuity
  • Sex/masturbation addiction
  • Excessive use of Drugs/alcohol
  • Video games addiction
  • Strong desire to abandon your job, relationship, home, (of course there are many circumstances where it would be wise to abandon one of these things)
  • Excessive exercise
  • Excessive working
  • Most obsessions

If you notice a change in any of these behaviours it is important to stop and ask yourself why.

Letting go of control
Banksy´s “Snorting copper” taken at a Banksy exposition in Espacio Trafalgar – Barcelona

Feeling Like You Are Losing Control


The sense of losing control causes people to panic and start trying to manipulate their situation. When the mind slips and we start to experience stress, panic, anxiety we desperately try to grab the reigns and try and steer our lives in the direction we think they should head.

Counter-intuitively it is in these exact moments where letting go of control is most crucial. When we start to notice ourselves having irrational thoughts, impulses to act and make drastic decisions, or the desire to suddenly abandon or undertake a new project, we need to stop, breathe, do nothing, and spend some time alone with our thoughts.

Of course this does not mean that making big decisions or changing plans for a project is a bad thing, it simply means we must understand the roots of the decisions for change.

Ask Yourself

Is the desire to change rooted in:

  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Doubt
  • Stress
  • Anger
  • Hatred
  • Lust

Will this change ultimately improve my life and bring me closer to where I would like to be?

When we experience these impulses, or notice a change in our behaviour – such as drinking, eating, smoking or even exercising more than usual we need to try and objectively view our situation and find what it is that we are trying to run from.

Writing down dreams, recurring thoughts, and also just how we are feeling in a journal helps to pinpoint the real issue at hand. It is important to keep asking “why?”. When we keep asking “why?” for all of our behaviours we soon arrive at what are known as our core beliefs.

Letting go of control

Core Beliefs

Some common negative core beliefs:

I am not good enough – I am not worthy of happiness

I am not smart enough – I will fail at anything I try

I am unlovable – Nobody appreciates me

People are untrustworthy – They just want to take advantage

Our core beliefs are the intrinsic beliefs that we have about ourselves, other people, and the world as a whole. Beyond the ego and beyond our daily surface thoughts, they are the beliefs and values that govern how we perceive ourselves and the world around us.

By learning to recognise thoughts and impulses that come from our core beliefs we start to notice certain triggers and patterns in our behaviour.

This in itself is an exercise in mindfulness. By letting go of the urge to take control of a situation we inadvertently take control of our mind and life. The more these simple exercises are practised the more we start to feel free.

We soon start to realise that trying to control every aspect of our lives actually imprisons us even deeper inside our own mind and it becomes apparent that the villain in our tragedy is ourselves. We are the ones that are restricting ourselves and removing our freedom.

We are the creators of our own reality but the key to creation and true freedom is letting go of control and trusting that the life you desire will manifest itself.

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This blog and other related projects require a lot of time and money but I do it because I want to help people.

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Letting go of control
The cat is called Naruto

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Categories
Addiction Alcohol Drugs Mental Health Mind Sobriety Wellness

Overcoming Addiction: Your Deceptive Brain

Overcoming Addiction Is Possible

It is not easy and it is not quick but overcoming addiction it is possible. As you start to chip away at addictions and bad habits and give your brain more space and time to think you start to undercover the true reasons for why you have problems with addiction.

As you start to remove the false pleasures and painkillers from life, you start to free your mind and uncover the ugly truths that you have been hiding from this whole time. Bit by bit the world that you have created for yourself begins to unravel.

Addiction: Your Deceptive Brain

It’s a highly unpleasant process and the brain, being the astonishingly deceptive and manipulative organ that it is, starts latching onto anything that it can find. Your alcohol consumption decreases, your cannabis consumption increases, your cannabis consumption decreases, your caffeine consumption increases. Your caffeine consumption decreases and your sugar intake sky-rockets.

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, your brain will find any way it can to regain the pleasure it is so desperate to feel.

The brain is the master of mind games and will try to confuse you and avoid the truth. It will do whatever it can to mask your insecurities. The brain will go to extreme measures to trick you into thinking there is nothing wrong with you and stop you from overcoming addiction.

It is only when you remove these cheap pleasures that your brain has nowhere to hide. It cant hide behind false euphoria and distraction. You are forced to confront what you have been hiding from. As you begin to remove your masks any pain, trauma, and negative emotions that you have bottled up will surface and there is no way to stop this.

Questioning Yourself

You start to question your relationships with people. You start to question how you have treated people and how they have treated you in return. You start to realise the damage that your selfish actions have been causing yourself and your loved ones.

The resentment you hold towards those you believe to have mistreated you is totally inversed as it dawns on you that the one doing the damage has been you. By damaging yourself you have damaged those that you care about, whilst believing that you are in fact the victim in this situation.

Addicts are selfish, self-centred, and self-absorbed because their brains have put them in survival mode. They are unable to view the outside world for what it is and how their actions affect others, as this causes them even more mental damage. The shame, self-blame and guilt is bottled up and thrown down a deep ravine.

Playing The Victim

Addicts play the victim because they are victims, victims of their own self harm, self-loathing and self-hatred. Victims of their own selfishness and the problems they burden themselves with. When you see repeated patterns of selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of understanding and sometimes outright ignorance in a person you believe to be a good person, understand why.

Understand that that person’s internal struggle and addiction has caused their stress levels to rise, which in turn shuts down the brain, and puts the person into a state of self-protection and self-obsession.

The brain expends no effort taking into consideration other people emotions or feelings because it is totally inundated with its own stress, anxiety and fear.

There are no moments of silence, no time for self-reflection, and certainly no space for loving, healthy relationships or friendships.

The Brain In Survival Mode

The brain is doing everything it can to keep itself safe from external threats and so the outside world becomes the enemy.

The problem is that the brain likes this state. This state of high stress is a deep-rooted intrinsic survival mechanism. We are born to survive, and our brains will do anything they can to protect us. The safest way for the brain to ensure protection is to consider its own needs before the needs of others.

A World Filled With Addiction

Unfortunately, when you have a world filled with addiction, a world filled with people trying to escape reality and a world distracted from reality, you end up with a damaged world filled with greed.

Greed, another key characteristic in the addict´s survival handbook. Addicts need money, they don’t just want it they need it. They need to consume – food, drugs, clothes, material objects. This need to purchase and consume is just another way to satisfy the brains craving for that metaphorically cheap dopamine fix. Depleted levels of natural Dopamine and Serotonin caused by the consumption

The outside world cannot make us happy. Only we can make ourselves happy, and we do this by beginning to truly understand and accept ourselves. To accept our flaws but learn to love them. To work through our wrongdoings and regrets.

This whole process takes a lot of time, patience, support and willpower. There can be breakdown after breakdown and days, weeks or months without any feelings of happiness but never let go of that glimmer of hope for better days.

Overcoming addiction is an arduous path to take but no matter how many times you fall, once you make the decision to begin you will not want to turn back.

We are a work in progress, but just putting the effort in to chip away at the outer greedy, selfish shell we can begin to focus on the wonderfully creative, intelligent, and truly confident person that we are waiting to become.

By just trying to change, we are always as perfect as we can be.

Each new day.

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Categories
Aspergers Lucid Dreaming Mental Health Mind Philosophy TQFW Blog

#17 Lucid Dreaming To Solve Your Problems

This past month has been completely and utterly overwhelming. Both physically mentally and spiritually. Through therapy and lucid dreaming I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulder and at the age of 26, I have finally turned from a child to a man.

I had been repressing emotions, trauma and total confusion for all my life. I had always been searching for the missing piece which I had always known but always denied.

Through therapy and an almost bewilderingly perfect chain of events that I can only describe as destiny, I have been referred to a specialist center to start a 7 stage diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder / Asperger’s Syndrome. Whatever outcome I get from these sessions I will be happy to get some answers that I have always been searching for.

Autistic spectrum Syndrome
One way of representing the “spectrum” that we all fall upon.

All my life people have told me to stop searching, to stop probing, to just accept who I am -to accept that I am different. I love being different but living life without an identity is horrible.

Feeling like a stranger in your own country, amongst your own friends and then in every country you visit, is a horrible and lonely feeling. Not knowing yourself means that no one can really know you.

This depression has finally been lifted and bit by bit I have started to regain some of my childhood memories, which had been hidden in my subconscious for all this time.

Lucid Dreaming

When I was little, I used to lucid dream* all the time and I used to enter into my dreams all the time and control them and search for answers. I could go on little quests and adventures and find answers for things I didn’t understand.

*A lucid dream is a dream in which you realise you are dreaming and are able to control and manipulate your dreams. They can be amazing but can also be horrific lucid nightmares

This all stopped when I started drinking around the age of 11/12. For the next 15 years, these dreams only happened to me in the form of nightmares or sleep paralysis due to drug or alcohol withdrawal.

Now for the first time in 15 years, I have started to lucid dream again. I have been using these dreams to discover new things about myself, to ask questions, to find answers, and to search within my soul.

Lucid Dreams

4 pills – My First Lucid Dream

It was a game where people were given a bag of 4 pills:

  • One makes you super smart
  • One makes you super horny
  • One makes you super-efficient
  • And one makes you want to kill yourself

The game was only supposed to last 24 hours, but the pills never wore off.

Everyone was hunted by an army of people and their powers are almost magical they had visions.

Everyone ended up going crazy and then more and more pills start appearing and even though people see the devastating effects they can’t stop taking them

All the people in the dream ended up killing themselves through their actions

The world was chaos

As I started to analyse the dream as it was happening I realised that it was a manifestation of the world we live in. Everyone was fiendishly grabbing and taking things which they knew were killing them. Noone seemed to care about the consequences of their actions.

During the dream, I started lucidly recording my voice on my phone as I entered in and out of the madness and went on to give a speech about capitalism and its flaws.

I realized that greed is the root of all evil and capitalism is the root of all greed.

I will upload the full recording and transcript of it elsewhere.

Lucid Dream #2 – The Ceremony

The next lucid dream involved my family and all my friends and family members that I know. Everybody was taking some sort of substance that was opening their mind and each person was going through a journey of self-discovery. I was witnessing through each person’s eyes their journey of self-discovery in a sort of Ayahuasca-esque ceremony.

One by one I started to unravel and understand the problems of each person that I know and love. I felt anger, guilt, hurt, shame, happiness, sadness, regret – but most importantly forgiveness.

Self Forgiveness

This was my brains’ way of processing my journey of self-forgiveness and forgiving those to whom I have done damage. I am not sure how long this process lasted, I’m not sure what parts I was awake for what part I was asleep but I ended up with a nearly 20,000 words document detailing all of my problems in detail as well as those of every member of my family and the people I love.

I had released all my thoughts my worries my fears my reasoning and my logic onto paper and I had said all the things I needed to say.

There was no need for me to tell all these people the things that I had written, there was no need to cause pain to the people I love. Writing this was my way of releasing myself from my past.

Another day passed and then I had another lucid dream in which I saw my grandfather who died roughly 10 years ago.

Saying Goodbye and Moving On

I never got a chance to say goodbye to him as he died suddenly, and I don’t even remember his funeral. I was 16 and I have no memory of his funeral. I wasn’t even aware that this was eating me up inside but through this dream, I was able to give him a hug and say goodbye to him before watching him shrivel up and die.

I knew I was dreaming but my brain was giving me the opportunity to say goodbye once and for all. For someone who hasn’t dreamed properly for over half their life, this experience was incredibly profound.

#3 Writing Poetry in a Lucid Dream

In the next lucid dream, I saw a childhood friend who I haven’t seen for over 15 years. Whilst dreaming I wrote a poem and this friend spoke the poem out loud to me. I had my phone by my head and so I lucidly recorded my voice as I spoke the poem and in the dream, she recited it to me.

I then went on to record an 18-minute mantra which will be the mantra for the Quest for Wisdom. The philosophy behind which I will carry out all my actions. When I woke up, I was incredibly confused. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was not, I wasn’t sure if I was insane. I vaguely remembered recording some audios.

Lucid Dreaming or Going Crazy

I was scared as I went to listen to them. I didn’t know exactly what they were going to say. If it was a rambling bunch of non-sensical words I would have to believe that I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me. Luckily everything I had recorded was logical and made perfect sense to me. The poem I had created was in perfect rhyme and very profound.

I wasn’t sure whether to share this process or not with people. But it seems that at some stage in their life a lot of people must pass through this process of forgiveness and maturing from child to adult.

I have always known that age is irrelevant, but I realised that in order to mature from a teenager to an adult you must face all your problems head-on, accept them, work on them, apologise if necessary and then finally forgive yourself for your past.  

Everybody has regrets from the past, or feels shame for some of their actions. Some people wish they had tried harder in school, some people aren´t happy with their life and blame their pasts or their family.

I seem to be around a lot of people that are going through this process and it’s a confusing and horrible time. It makes you feel hopeless, lost and misunderstood.

Forgive Yourself for Your Past

You need to accept yourself for who and what you are, ask forgiveness for any damage you have done to yourself or others, and start to work through any personality traits you have which are damaging.

If you do not go through this process, then you will never grow up. You will remain childish and self-centered until the moment you decide to solve your personal issues.

I always had a fear of being part of the 27 club, but now I know that I am guilt-free and have a clear conscience there is no reason for this to ever happen.

I can now move on with my life, happy and content, and free from guilt and shame. The things that have always held me back.

People say you can´t change the world.

Well, I say WHY NOT?

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To read an article about Aphantasia and my inability to visualise mental images click here

Categories
Addiction ADHD Mental Health Mind TQFW Blog

#13 ADHD and The Addiction to Everything

I was speaking with a friend recently and we were talking about how our 20s just seem to be getting tougher instead of easier. She said to me, “literally is anyone actually happy?”.

We are bombarded with so much information nowadays, and social media means there is literally no escape from the horrible things that are happening in the world. From Elections, to Wars, to Poverty, to Cyber Bullying we see it all and I don’t think many people in their 20s are really mentally prepared to handle it all.  

Bursting the Bubble of Happiness

For me as I trundle through my life trying to understand and control my brain and ADHD, I feel that every so often I reach a stage of happiness and then a bubble bursts, I discover something new about myself, and have to start all over again. This feeling is exasperating as I just never know when it will end. How many more bubbles are there to burst?

The more I learn, the more confused I get, the more issues I find out about myself, the harder it is to live my life knowing these things. Sometimes I feel that I am burdening myself with too much at once, but then other times I feel like it is the only way.

I am determined to overcome my addiction to everything, my “addictive personality”. I want to be able to relax and enjoy stimuli like a normal person, but I know this will be a long process.

Not Knowing How to Handle Emotions

Having spent my whole teenage years and early 20s drinking and taking drugs as much as possible I feel I never learned to handle emotions. Any time I felt any pain, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt – I turned to the bottle.

Untreated ADHD made it absolutely impossible to understand and know how to deal with emotions. It is a constant bombardment of every sound, every feeling, every thought all at once. It is completely overwhelming and unbearable at times.

Avoiding Pain or Negative Emotions

After I quit drinking and spent some time sober – self reflecting and analysing – I thought I was “cured”. I felt happy and fresh, I was distracted, and I was living in a beautiful city. What I didn’t realise was that this pattern of pain avoidance continued. I continued to avoid my pain or negative emotions from my relationship break-up with any possible stimulus.

negative emotions

Sex, drugs, exercise, dating apps (validation), or anything else that would give me a little buzz. I was much more cautious of drugs and had this under control but the other stimuli which fed my addiction to pleasure were still rife and I was oblivious to this.

The feeling of addiction is essentially just an addiction to Dopamine. We can experience this Dopamine rush from any stimulus that is exciting to us.

Addiction to Video Games

Interestingly enough, my Psychologist mentioned to me the role that Video Games have with people with ADHD and Addiction problems. She explained that a lot of people experience the intense Dopamine rush from video games at a young age, and this can actually change the brain chemistry.

Although they can be very beneficial in many ways, they can feed an addictive personality and lead to the quick reward system behaviour of addicts. Studies have shown that people with ADHD have no problem sitting and concentrating on a video game because of this quick-reward system.

I realised that when I was young, before I had a chance to become addicted to alcohol or drugs, I was insanely addicted to video games. I spent every second playing or thinking about video games. This is just another coping mechanism to hide from your brain, and a way to feed the pleasure system.

ADHD & Nicotine Addiction

After quitting alcohol, I hopped straight on to nicotine and started smoking shisha alone for at least 2 hours a day. My whole day revolved around smoking and getting this massive hit of Nicotine.

I was too naïve to understand the power of nicotine and after a few months I started to feel sick all day every day, until I smoked, due to the withdrawals. I was angry, irritable, negative and obsessed.  Having this addiction to anchor me meant that I could avoid my emotions still, as this had taken over my life.

I had to quit smoking shisha after a year and when I went cold turkey, I decided to punish myself by quitting caffeine at the same time. The withdrawals were horrible – I had no energy for weeks, gained a stone (6.5kg), had the horrible feeling of loss – which I can only describe as the feeling of a friend dying – and was majorly depressed.

ADHD & Addiction to Work

As I overcame this and saw the addiction unrolling and my life returning back to normal my brain began to rapidly search for any new distraction and I started working insane overtime hours (by choice), 7 days a week. Working 70+ hours a week in an office completely drains you mentally and physically, so I had no time or energy to deal with the emotions I was experiencing.  

As I never learned to deal with pain, rejection, guilt, shame, or any of the other negative emotions that people learn in their teenage years, I feel like these are all things that I have been intensely experiencing recently.

I am sick of running, self-medicating, acting selfishly and hurting people around me. It is time now to accept that sometimes I will be miserable, sometimes I will be depressed and that is okay!

I am also sick of letting ADHD control me and not being in full control of my mind. I am sick of searching for quick fixes and quick highs.

Learning to Live In The Present

In a recent meeting with my Psychologist we spoke about living in the past and future. She explained to me that living in the past causes depression, whereas living in the future causes anxiety. This made total sense. The regrets of the past can only bring us pain, and living constantly in the future causes us to panic, fear failure, and try and protect ourselves from any potential pain.

learning to live in the present

The real struggle, and what I am trying to learn to do now, is to live in the present. Question my motives for doing everything, question how my actions will affect other people and question if what I am doing will have a positive effect on my life.

This may seem obvious and simple for some people but I really struggle with this. ADHD generally makes you think of a million things, sometimes very abstract and unique things, but often this means that you can miss the obvious. Sometimes its easier to think of the bigger picture but impossible to think of what´s directly in front of you.

I am trying to avoid anything that does not make my life better, and anything that is a quick easy high. For normal people that is the obvious things like drugs and alcohol. For an addict with ADHD it is absolutely everything, from Whatsapp messages to over-exercise. It will be a tough learning curve but with the new year coming up I know it is time to take the plunge.

Get In Contact With Me!

I love talking to people about their experiences and stories, and I love answering questions. We are not alone in this!

I love to chat to people that feel overwhelmed and misunderstood.
Please get in contact ASAP, I will always reply and no question is ever stupid or embarrassing!

I would also love to hear any advice, suggestions, criticisms, ideas etc. I absolutely love to be criticised as it helps me to improve and create better content.

You can contact me Via:

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Support My Work!

This blog and other related projects such as the upcoming Podcast and Youtube Channel are now my full time job and they require a lot of time and money.

If you like my content and would like to help me to keep creating more then I would be so grateful for any donations through my Patreon account

Strattera changed my life
Taken in the Barrio Gótico in Barcelona

Categories
Addiction ADHD Atomoxetine (Strattera) Communication Friendship Mental Health Mind Perfection Relationships Self Confidence The Quest TQFW Blog

#11 Chaotic Communication and Repressed Relationships

This past week since my journey to Berlin has been yet again the most revolutionary, difficult, and inspiring week of my life. Crazy I know, that things have just continued to spiral – first downwards to rock bottom – and then they bounced right back with some serious vigour.

I began to address the toxic relationships in my life and focus on all the things that were holding me back, in order to begin to heal and move forward.


However, I was in a very manic state of mind and I did this in the most impulsive, irrational and insensitive way possible. I was completely blind to how my actions would affect people and I was selfish and unfair. The things that I said to people, I all still believe to be true, but my delivery of this information – in every case – was terrible.

Categories
Addiction ADHD Atomoxetine (Strattera) Curiosity Mental Health Mind Obsession Positivity Sobriety TQFW Blog Treatment

#8 A New Addiction To Natural Highs

Words cannot describe the journey I have been on this weekend. I went from a state of complete and utter turmoil and chaos to flipping everything into the most positive experience of my entire life. What I have learned from the incredibly successful, intelligent and driven people that I spent time with is that literally the only motivation in life should be from happiness and searching for those natural highs.

Since my last post life has been absolute chaos, danger, destruction, and impulsivity due to my medication having not yet taken full effect again. I have had to ride this rollercoaster and just deal with each day becoming easier and easier. I have never felt so bad and so overwhelmed in my life.