This past week since my journey to Berlin has been yet again the most revolutionary, difficult, and inspiring week of my life. Crazy I know, that things have just continued to spiral – first downwards to rock bottom – and then they bounced right back with some serious vigour.
I began to address the toxic relationships in my life and focus on all the things that were holding me back, in order to begin to heal and move forward.
However, I was in a very manic state of mind and I did this in the most impulsive, irrational and insensitive way possible. I was completely blind to how my actions would affect people and I was selfish and unfair. The things that I said to people, I all still believe to be true, but my delivery of this information – in every case – was terrible.
Communication Is Key
I really regret my actions and my naivety but I know that I will never make this mistake again. I have now began to work incredibly hard on my communication skills and learning that not everybody communicates and reacts in the same way.
Some people are not willing to face the truth and prefer to bury their head, some people need to be approached with more caution, and some people like myself prefer Brutal Honesty.
Communicating With Your Friends
I have begun by speaking to my friends and making time to talk through my actions and how I can best communicate with my friends. I felt let down by a lot of people, but I found out that they felt let down by me. This comes down to a lack of communication from both parts.
I thought they didnt care because they hadn´t contacted me, and they thought I didn´t care because I hadn´t contacted them. This made me identify the different expectations and communication styles that people have.
I have always happily talked about my problems without being asked, and so I always assumed that others did the same. I assumed that if people didn´t talk about their problems or their family etc. then it was because they didn´t want to talk about it. I realised that most people like to talk about themselves, they just need to be probed.
ADHD and Relationship Problems
Everything from these relationships, as well as all the mistakes that I have made throughout life, have been learning curves. I thought that because I had ADHD I could conquer the world alone, and that I didn’t need anyones´ help to do this.
I couldn’t have been further from the truth. I am just as lost, and vulnerable and naïve as everyone else and my feeling of loneliness and lack
of support came from my refusal to ask for help. ADHD can feel like a superpower but it is incredibly limiting and overwhelming if it is not treated and managed.
On Sunday I was just talking with my good friend – and now Manager Jen – and we were having a deep conversation about my ridiculous idea of perfection and my obsession with achieving perfection.
I decided to record our conversation just to see what it would sound like, and when we listened to it back we were both captivated and had the same thought at the same time.
Although people have been telling me to do a podcast and work on radio since I started this project I never believed in myself and never had the self-confidence to believe that I was good enough to do it.
I was always comparing myself to people I admire, who are already well established, and you forget to yourself that everyone started at the bottom, everyone was nervous and disorientated at the beginning, everything is a learning process and self-confidence takes time to develop.
ADHD and Disorganisation
I always worried that due to my ADHD I am so disorganised, that I struggle to keep a routine, I struggle to dress myself in the morning, I struggle to find my socks, I spent hours walking aimlessly around the house before I walk out of the door, and I am constantly distracted and overwhelmed with 500 million things in my head that hold me back from doing what I love, which is writing and creating.
Jen offered to be my Manager because she believes in me and this made me feel great and filled me with confidence and motivation. Jen is incredibly hard working and motivated and will be the perfect person to help me grow.
She told me she wasn’t “academically” smart but her motivation throughout school and in life, got herself some amazing jobs, became a professional body builder, started learning Spanish and now has been following her passion around the world, which is electronic music.
Creativity and Disorganisation
Jen wants to work with creative people and be the motivational and organisational driving force behind us.
Creatives are almost always terribly organised, and so incredibly bad at doing simple daily tasks like feeding themselves.
This limits creative people from creating. More logical and structured hard-working people often lack the creative ideas but are fantastic at everything else.
This is why we need to combine with people who work differently to us in order to breeze through life and follow our dreams.
In the past 2 days she has started to organise my life, create me a schedule and routine, keep everything neat and tidy and easily accessible and allow me to be free.
She will handle all the aspects that I am terrible at and make sure that the content is released regularly and in a non-confusing way. I am completely aware that what I write and publish is incredibly confusing and so this will improve from now on!
Follow Your Dreams
I decided that now is the time to follow my dreams and I actually thought that the answer to my problems was just starting a new life in Berlin, because I thought that Berlin was the place for me.
I still believe this but I’m now in no hurry to run away from the problems that I have in my life and the damaged I have caused to the people around me.
When I have time and money I have made the decision to redo my A levels and study Physics, Chemistry and Biology and then go on to study Neuroscience.
It has always driven me absolutely crazy knowing that we only use a
percentage of our brain power and I want to be part of the team that discovers how to access the full power.
I realised that the people that the people that I’m around do love me, and all support me, just i’ve been very difficult to communicate with. It has always been very difficult for me to communicate with people and understand that other people’s brains don’t work in the same way as my own, so I have really been trying to learn how to communicate with each person in the way that they operate and communicate.
I have come to realise most people will not offer advice or help without being asked for it. We need to ask these people if we need help from them. All of us have friends who are much better at us than certain things and we need to recognise everyone’s talents and everyones´ unique intelligence as valuable.
I have also been told by a few people that I should not give advice without being asked for it – and so with these people I will respect their wishes. However, this is something I completely disagree with. Brutal honesty and advice is FREE. If the person is upset with your brutal honesty or advice, then it means they know it is true, and they are in denial and will not accept the truth.
If they believe what you say to be completely false then what you say will not affect them at all – they will just laugh in your face.
Coincidence, Destiny or Fate?
Whether it be coincidence, destiny, fate or the power of attraction, Since my decision to properly trust myself and pursue my dreams on Sunday, I have a new business partner for some separate projects in Barcelona, and
several other people in my close friendship group have taken the decision to go cold turkey from drugs and alcohol and try to start a new life.
The projects I want to create I want to create along with the network of great creative people that I have created and I want everyone
that wants to, to get involved.
I am writing this post at 18.00 on Tuesday and since Sunday I have organised myself a Manager, A Graphic Designer, An Artist/Event Manager
A Publicist, an Accountant, A Videographer, a Sound Editor, a Photographer and a Producer.
I have completed almost all the steps to make The Quest for Wisdom an official brand as well as launching a separate business here in Barcelona.
It just goes to show that when we put our mind to something, and we have nothing holding us back, then there is literally no limit to what we can achieve. I am so motivated and happy that I am literally filled to the brim with energy. I don’t even want to sleep because I don’t want to waste time.
I have also started consuming a meal replacement powder every day and for almost every meal so that I don’t have to waste time eating, but I can feed myself properly. Knowing that I am properly fueled gives me the motivation to keep working out regularly and sticking to my schedule.
I have solved almost everything that was holding me back and now I am free to accomplish anything I put my mind to. With all these amazing people by my side supporting my I am free to spend every second of
the day learning and creating content, which I hope will relate to as many people as possible and help people to realise that with the right tools and help ANYONE CAN ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS.
Repressed Emotions and Relationships
People with ADHD tend to be Hyper-Emotional and experience every emotion in the most extreme way possible, however for a long time I thought I had no emotions as I didn´t “feel” anything. I now realise that this was a self-defense mechanism to stop myself getting hurt.
It was this fear of getting hurt that led me to repress my emotions and not learn to deal with them. I have always had the feeling that I was a Manic Depressive since reading about this when I was young, as I am usually extremely happy and excited, or incredibly sad, depressed, and self-loathing.
There has never been any in between. Before starting this Quest I always lacked the self-confidence to step out of my comfort zone and push the limits but now this is what drives me.
I have always felt an affinity towards Stephen Fry and felt like we share a lot of the same characteristics. He was also a “good person” from a “good family”, but was kicked out of school, in trouble with the police, suffered problems with addiction and Manic Depression and so I have always loved reading and listening to his projects. My mother mentioned to me her concerns about Manic Depression and this reminded me of this.
I have also taken the decision to start therapy and speak with a Psychologist. Although I see a Psychiatrist and take Atomoxetine for ADHD, this is helping me from a physiological basis – with medication.
What I need help with is Psychological: how to deal with my emotions, how to handle stress, sadness, happiness, impulsivity etc etc.
I will keep people updated about my progress with the therapy, and my treatment for ADHD, as I would like to be able to encourage people with similar feelings to have the courage to seek this help out. Repressed emotions drag us all down and cause us to struggle in life.
I have no fear of facing my demons and I know the roots for the vast majority of my problems but I thought I could solve this all myself. I realised that I am not a professional; I am good at giving other people advice but terrible at solving my own issues.
It wasn’t fear that held me back it was circumstance and distractions. Now I have an appointment booked and this will be sorted very soon.
Upcoming Creative Projects:
This will be about what I carry on learning on my Quest For Wisdom – with some amazing guest speakers. It will focus on how to weaponise our brains and use their potential to the maximum, as well as how to be the best person we possibly can be.
I want people to realise that we are all capable of achieving things and tapping into the potential of our brains. My ideas for this are endless and so I am extremely excited. I promise it will not be a preachy self-help podcast!
I have a Personal YouTube Channel which will have videos of the challenges I overcome in my personal life and some more generic topics, as well as questions that I am asked.
There is also a Quest For Wisdom YouTube Channel with all my blog related posts, Vlogs, and free advice based on the experiences that I have had.
You will be able to follow my journey and the Wisdom that I gain. I really have no limit with what I will do, and I want to experience EVERYTHING that life has to offer. I am always open to suggestions and ideas as well
Documentary About The Amazon
This will use footage I filmed in the Amazon about Eco Tourism and the
mysteries of the Jungle. I dont want to release too much information about this yet.
A documentary About the Struggles Of ADHD and Addiction
I am not sure exactly what format this will be in but I will be interviewing many different people from different walks of life as well as hopefully speaking with some Scientists, Psychiatrists, and Doctors to create a really detailed and interesting documentary about this topic.
All the documentaries I have seen about ADHD have really seemed to miss the point, and the American documentaries actually make me angry – how ADHD is just another issue looked at from a Capitalist and economic perspective.
An Insanely Curious and Frustrating Novel That Came To Me In a Dream
I am not going to say much about this project as I don´t want to give anything away yet.
A Book of Poetry
This will be focused on deep philosophical and political issues of people around the world. Some are based on real people and some on ideas. I have written 5 poems so far and performed 2 of them but I will keep writing them until I am satisfied there is enough.
- The Boy From Syria
- The Old Man From Belfast
- The Man From Japan
- The Child From Peru
- The Girl From Moscow
Curiositividad – The Social Experiment
Which has already started and is going great so far. It involves sending hand-written letters to people around the world, sharing a part of
my soul and asking deep questions, and giving challenges. I have already sent about 20-25 letters and I am extremely excited!
A Contact / Forum Page On The Website
This will be a way to contact me and ask for advice or help with anything you read about, especially the steps involved in overcoming addiction, your problems etc. I will also be revamping the website to make it more user-friendly and clean.
Get In Contact With Me!
I really urge anyone that has any questions to get in contact with me in any way possible. I love hearing from people and now almost every single day people contact me. I love to talk to people in similar situations that relate to what I write.
I love to chat to people that feel lost and lonely like I always have.
Please get in contact ASAP, I will always reply and no question is ever stupid or embarrassing!
I would also love to hear any advice, suggestions, criticisms, ideas etc. I absolutely love to be criticised as it helps me to improve and create better content.
Support My Work!
This blog is now my full time job and requires a lot of time and money so if you would like to donate then please take a look at my Patreon account