I think this post is very relatable to a lot of people and we all need to learn for ourselves, or teach someone how not to be a terrible friend.
I am writing this post in a quirky Airbnb in Berlin after a few days of partying and much deliberation. I would say my state of mind is sad but rational.
A friendship to me means everything. It means 100% loyalty and 100% honesty. Recently I have come to notice that what I offer to people is very rarely reciprocated and it makes me sad. I find myself constantly giving giving giving, offering support, motivating and giving help and showing positivty to anyone that needs it, but I have noticed that very few people do this in return. I don’t know if this if because they don’t want to, or if they don’t know how to.
There is no limit to what I would do for my friends, if they call me and they need me I will drop everything and be there, but I always feel lonely and isolated.
As friends we should be constantly pushing and motivating each other to be better people, asking what is making us not 100% happy and what problems we have in our life, what is on our mind etc. We should be showering them with positivity.
Sometimes the truth hurts and you have to tell someone that their actions are pathetic and not right, but this is what being a good friend is about – motivating. Seeing someone suffering and on self destruct mode but not having the courage to confront them about it is not a characteristic of a good friend.
I came to think about this recently when I saw a friend, who I haven’t seen for a long time, who has been on self destruct mode, and has been smoking weed daily for about 13 years and now has developed a drinking problem. He was crying out for help in every way possible and I couldn’t believe that no-one had confronted him.
Ask Intimate Questions
I went back home with him and we spoke for about 6 solid hours about all his problems and why he was going down this route. He told me a lot of terrible traumatic events that had happened to do with his family and childhood, that in the years I have known him he had never mentioned.
He said none of his life long friends had ever asked or cared or wondered why he was the way he was – and this blew my mind. He thought that no-one cared and that people would judge him or not want to be friends with him due to things that had happened to him that were NOT HIS FAULT.
Ask Personal Questions
It made me start to think that if I had known sooner I could have helped and I should have asked more questions when we used to spend time together. I had failed him up until now as a friend. People always say “you can’t ask personal questions like that” – BULLSH*T – you MUST ask personal questions and push people out of their comfort zone.
Whether the person is comfortable enough to answer you is up to them. People don’t like talking about their problems and are often too scared or worried about being judged but WE as friends need to brave up and ask these intimate questions.
Take Action / Facilitate Your Friends
I sat my friend down and gave him a pen and paper and told him to write all his thoughts and questions to the person involved so that he could clear his conscience.
I then told him all the steps he needed to talk to lift the burden and the doubt from his mind. He told me that if no-one had actually sat him down and forced him to do it then he would never have done it.
Not only do we have to advise our friends we have to facilitate them. Make them solve their problems right at that moment and equip them with the tools they need.
Our Personal Quest For Wisdom
We should all be on the Quest For Wisdom and ultimate happiness and any problems that stand in our way need to be resolved with the help of our friends. We need to be open and honest with everyone. So many friendships are fake and although I have a huge network of acquaintances, when I think of the true friends I have that would really be there for me without a doubt if I needed them, the number is very few.
It is important that we cut off people that leach from us, that just take and don’t give – anyone that is not motivating us. I have spent too much time giving and teaching and now I would like to be around more people who are teaching me things and helping me to become a better person. This is why I have made the decision to uproot my comfortable life in Barcelona and move to Berlin.
Berlin is an amazing city full of incredible people with with whom you can sit and talk for hours about everything. Curiosity is floating in the air. If you walk into a bar people approach you, not to make small talk, but to get to know you, to know how you think, why you are there etc. It is scary and sad having to leave Barcelona – as I love my life – but from the moment I arrived in Berlin a year ago it was the place I knew I needed to be eventually.
I don’t like being despised in Barcelona for being a “Guiri” and being treated like scum in shops and bars. However I understand why they hate the gentrification of their beautiful city.
I am spending the next 5 days alone in Berlin with my pad of paper to write letters and have no plans on where to stay. I want to walk around and meet interesting people and then just see where my curiosity leads me.
ASK ME QUESTIONS OR ADVICE
I am planning to start up a service to help lost, and lonely people with out of the ordinary brains, and I would love to hear from you. You can contact me in any way and I will always respond. No question is stupid.
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