This past month has been completely and utterly overwhelming. Both physically mentally and spiritually. Through therapy and lucid dreaming I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulder and at the age of 26, I have finally turned from a child to a man.
I had been repressing emotions, trauma and total confusion for all my life. I had always been searching for the missing piece which I had always known but always denied.
Through therapy and an almost bewilderingly perfect chain of events that I can only describe as destiny, I have been referred to a specialist center to start a 7 stage diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder / Asperger’s Syndrome. Whatever outcome I get from these sessions I will be happy to get some answers that I have always been searching for.
All my life people have told me to stop searching, to stop probing, to just accept who I am -to accept that I am different. I love being different but living life without an identity is horrible.
Feeling like a stranger in your own country, amongst your own friends and then in every country you visit, is a horrible and lonely feeling. Not knowing yourself means that no one can really know you.
This depression has finally been lifted and bit by bit I have started to regain some of my childhood memories, which had been hidden in my subconscious for all this time.
When I was little, I used to lucid dream* all the time and I used to enter into my dreams all the time and control them and search for answers. I could go on little quests and adventures and find answers for things I didn’t understand.
*A lucid dream is a dream in which you realise you are dreaming and are able to control and manipulate your dreams. They can be amazing but can also be horrific lucid nightmares
This all stopped when I started drinking around the age of 11/12. For the next 15 years, these dreams only happened to me in the form of nightmares or sleep paralysis due to drug or alcohol withdrawal.
Now for the first time in 15 years, I have started to lucid dream again. I have been using these dreams to discover new things about myself, to ask questions, to find answers, and to search within my soul.
4 pills – My First Lucid Dream
It was a game where people were given a bag of 4 pills:
- One makes you super smart
- One makes you super horny
- One makes you super-efficient
- And one makes you want to kill yourself
The game was only supposed to last 24 hours, but the pills never wore off.
Everyone was hunted by an army of people and their powers are almost magical they had visions.
Everyone ended up going crazy and then more and more pills start appearing and even though people see the devastating effects they can’t stop taking them
All the people in the dream ended up killing themselves through their actions
The world was chaos
As I started to analyse the dream as it was happening I realised that it was a manifestation of the world we live in. Everyone was fiendishly grabbing and taking things which they knew were killing them. Noone seemed to care about the consequences of their actions.
During the dream, I started lucidly recording my voice on my phone as I entered in and out of the madness and went on to give a speech about capitalism and its flaws.
I realized that greed is the root of all evil and capitalism is the root of all greed.
I will upload the full recording and transcript of it elsewhere.
Lucid Dream #2 – The Ceremony
The next lucid dream involved my family and all my friends and family members that I know. Everybody was taking some sort of substance that was opening their mind and each person was going through a journey of self-discovery. I was witnessing through each person’s eyes their journey of self-discovery in a sort of Ayahuasca-esque ceremony.
One by one I started to unravel and understand the problems of each person that I know and love. I felt anger, guilt, hurt, shame, happiness, sadness, regret – but most importantly forgiveness.
This was my brains’ way of processing my journey of self-forgiveness and forgiving those to whom I have done damage. I am not sure how long this process lasted, I’m not sure what parts I was awake for what part I was asleep but I ended up with a nearly 20,000 words document detailing all of my problems in detail as well as those of every member of my family and the people I love.
I had released all my thoughts my worries my fears my reasoning and my logic onto paper and I had said all the things I needed to say.
There was no need for me to tell all these people the things that I had written, there was no need to cause pain to the people I love. Writing this was my way of releasing myself from my past.
Another day passed and then I had another lucid dream in which I saw my grandfather who died roughly 10 years ago.
Saying Goodbye and Moving On
I never got a chance to say goodbye to him as he died suddenly, and I don’t even remember his funeral. I was 16 and I have no memory of his funeral. I wasn’t even aware that this was eating me up inside but through this dream, I was able to give him a hug and say goodbye to him before watching him shrivel up and die.
I knew I was dreaming but my brain was giving me the opportunity to say goodbye once and for all. For someone who hasn’t dreamed properly for over half their life, this experience was incredibly profound.
#3 Writing Poetry in a Lucid Dream
In the next lucid dream, I saw a childhood friend who I haven’t seen for over 15 years. Whilst dreaming I wrote a poem and this friend spoke the poem out loud to me. I had my phone by my head and so I lucidly recorded my voice as I spoke the poem and in the dream, she recited it to me.
I then went on to record an 18-minute mantra which will be the mantra for the Quest for Wisdom. The philosophy behind which I will carry out all my actions. When I woke up, I was incredibly confused. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was not, I wasn’t sure if I was insane. I vaguely remembered recording some audios.
Lucid Dreaming or Going Crazy
I was scared as I went to listen to them. I didn’t know exactly what they were going to say. If it was a rambling bunch of non-sensical words I would have to believe that I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me. Luckily everything I had recorded was logical and made perfect sense to me. The poem I had created was in perfect rhyme and very profound.
I wasn’t sure whether to share this process or not with people. But it seems that at some stage in their life a lot of people must pass through this process of forgiveness and maturing from child to adult.
I have always known that age is irrelevant, but I realised that in order to mature from a teenager to an adult you must face all your problems head-on, accept them, work on them, apologise if necessary and then finally forgive yourself for your past.
Everybody has regrets from the past, or feels shame for some of their actions. Some people wish they had tried harder in school, some people aren´t happy with their life and blame their pasts or their family.
I seem to be around a lot of people that are going through this process and it’s a confusing and horrible time. It makes you feel hopeless, lost and misunderstood.
Forgive Yourself for Your Past
You need to accept yourself for who and what you are, ask forgiveness for any damage you have done to yourself or others, and start to work through any personality traits you have which are damaging.
If you do not go through this process, then you will never grow up. You will remain childish and self-centered until the moment you decide to solve your personal issues.
I always had a fear of being part of the 27 club, but now I know that I am guilt-free and have a clear conscience there is no reason for this to ever happen.
I can now move on with my life, happy and content, and free from guilt and shame. The things that have always held me back.
People say you can´t change the world.
Well, I say WHY NOT?
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To read an article about Aphantasia and my inability to visualise mental images click here
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